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A disappointing me

July 3, 2009

Today had been one of those days. It is so hot here, I’m very tired for some reason and I have ranging hormones for other reason but none of these three things are good excuses for how I have been today. I’m just so frustrated, and mostly with myself for being frustrate. My frustration has developed into anger and disappointment in myself, which is never a comfortable position to be in. The disappointment in myself makes me crabby, especially when talking to my husband since he is the only one I have close enough to talk with and since I can’t cry to him because he hates crying and really hates it when there is no reason to cry and doesn’t understand, and never will, the womanly need to just cry sometimes, I convert my tears into crabbiness which makes me then need to call him back and apologize and nothing really gets resolved.

Okay, that isn’t entirely true. I did feel better after apologizing to my husband for being crabby. Not apologizing would have augmented the dissapointing feeling, and the discomfort would then have risen to unbearable levels.

It’s just been one of those days. My DD refuses to eat, no matter what I put in front of her. But of course she acts like she is hungry running to the cabinets, throwing herself at my legs and whining, taking crackers and cookies out that are at her level and then leaving a trail of uneaten food. We went to the store and lost one of her shoes, due to the fact that she took it off and dropped it somewhere. It was no where to be found.

There was crying on the way home because without her shoes she was unable to play in the park at the mall or at the park outside. Then there was lunch in which DD slowly chewed about a quarter of what she should eat. But actually, that was a good part of the day.

The really bad part started at nap time. It is so freaking hot here that  it is hard to sleep, but DD seems to think that even with only her diaper on and the fan blowing in her face it is still too hot. She screamed at me for a good five minutes. I then offered a bottled which she took, but was not happy with me leaving her alone again. So there was more crying. Finally I took her out. I tried to give her food, but she didn’t want any. So we played a bit. For some reason I got the idea to make a felt board so I set to work doing that, along with an activity board while she impatiently waited for me to cut out each letter and shape. Then she wanted to play with the activity board before it was dry. Saying no only made her try harder. Then she wanted to eat my sandwich, but once she was in her chair she no longer wanted to eat. She just reached for everything that she can’t play with: scissors, glue, etc.

In between all of this there was a lot of whining and many deep breaths from me. Reading back on what I just wrote it doesn’t seem like much, but believe me, I have never been so frustrated. I think it was all the whining as well as her just not listening to when I said no. She whined about wanting the TV on and threw a temper tantrum when I said no. And another when I wouldn’t give her the glue. Then she wanted yogurt, but once it was opened she tried to throw it. She became angry once and tried to throw the laptop. It was hard not to start screaming at that point.

Around 4 o’clock I realized that it might be her tummy so I gave her a tum and got her back out of the crib. She played quietly while I scrubbed the bathroom. Around that time I had the crabby phone call with my husband.

About half and hour later there was a nasty smell coming from her diaper and half an hour after that she was asleep. So it was her tummy, which only makes me feel like a bad mom. All of my sighing and using that tone for three hours straight, all the closing of my eyes and counting to ten when I should have had more patience.

I can’t wait until she can just say, “Mommy, my tummy hurts.”

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