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Parody of Hoyer

July 13, 2009


A congressman (any one of them from any of the 50 states, though this is based off of Hoyer’s response) sits in his office. It’s morning.

John, the intern: “Good morning, sir.”

Congressman: “Good morning. Who are you?”

J: “I’m a new intern here, sir. I’m John.”

C: “Well, John, welcome.”

J: “Thank you, sir. Here is your coffee, sir, and some breakfast along with the papers you need to look at today.”

C: “Why, thank you. Whoa. Wow. What is this? This is heavy. Don’t tell me I have to look at this today.”

J: “That’s the Health Care reform bill, sir.”

C: “Uh-huh. Wow. Well.” Heh, heh, heh. “That must be, well, uh, that, that must be about a hundred pages thick. Or more.¨Heh, heh, heh. ¨Wow, now I heard people saying it was going to be wordy, but, wow! Uh-huh. I can tell you one thing, that is going to be expensive. Here you go.”

J: “You aren’t going to look at it, sir?”

C: “I just did look at it.”

J: “But you aren’t going to read it?”

C: “John, you’re new here so I’m going to let you in on something that the people out there should have told you the first minute you walked in here: I don’t read anything more than half a pencil high.”

J: “Half a pencil high, sir?”

C: “Yes. See, you place a pencil, just any regular pencil, next to every bill and anything else bound and if the thickness of the papers exceeds the height of half a pencil then it’s too long for me to read. I just don’t have time for it.”

J: “But this is a pretty important bill, sir.”

C: “Son, I just don’t have time to read it. No congressman does. All my time is taken up by Scheonogressing.”

J: “I’m sorry, what?”

Heh, heh, heh. (that’s the congressman laughing if you didn’t get that before)

C: “That’s word I made up. I figure if the folks over at Google and Teetster-”

J: “Twitter?”

C: “Yeah, twitter, can make up words to fit their jobs, well, I can make up words for mine.”

J: “What does ‘Scheonogressing’ mean, sir?”

C: “It means ‘what a congressman does’. It means going out there to talk to the people who I represent. It means seeing what is going on in the world. I have to be up on that stuff you know.”

J: “But I thought the health care reform bill was pretty-”

C: “Look, John, I have to get going. I have a ten o;clock tee time. What I need for you to do is to sit in with other staff and review boards who have read this thing so you can brief me later. Also, get on Tweeter-”

J: “Twitter.”

C: “That’s what I said Twitter and try to find out who is on board with this on why. Oh, and knock off all the people that signed up to follow me this weekend just to be able to insult me to my cyber face. We’ll talk later. Come by my office again around four.”

Sometime around four o’clock.

C: “Hello, there John. What did you find out for me?”

J: “I cleaned your followers on Twitter and followed the conversation on the bill today, but it seems like no one is really talking about it. No congressmen anyway. ”

C: “What about congresswomen?”

J: “I meant either one-”

C: “I know what you meant!” Heh, heh, heh. “It was a joke! What is this? Didn’t I tell you about the half a pencil high rule?”

J: “That is my briefing of the health reform bill.”

C: “Why this is almost as big as the bill itself. I could make a book out of this!”

J: “Well, There were a lot of things that I thought you should know about. I made it very comprehensive in order for it to be fast reading, sir.”

C: “Time is what matters, John, and I don’t have time-. Oh, dammit, look at that. (talking on the intercom) Susie, can you find some after sun lotion for me? I burned my nose on the course today.”

J: “Sorry to hear that, sir.”

C: “This is not good. I have a dinner tonight and the press is going to be there. This is not good for photos. Do you know why, John?”

J: “No, sir.”

C: “Because when a congressman has a sunburn and gets his picture taken the people get the wrong idea. They get the idea that he is out conschnoodling, which means ‘what the people think a congressman does’. People out there think all we do is sip whiskey sours and talk a lot of mumbo-gumbo. This is not good. Thank you, Susie. So, John, you said that no one is really talking about this health care bill?”

J: “No, sir. No one is really taking a firm stand that I can see. Yet. Would you like me to release a statement from you about the bill?”

C: “No! Good heavens, no! I don’t want to take a stand until the last minute. I mean this is something that could break me at elections time. There are going to be some angry people either way, you know. Plus, I haven’t had a briefing on it.”

J: “We could go over the highlights now, if you wish, so you will have something to say to the press tonight about it.”

C: “That’s kind of you, but I don’t really have time. Check in with me tomorrow, okay?”

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