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When Mothers act like children

August 24, 2009

This happens alot, and although I could write about the certain experience I had with a certain ridiculous mother in the park last week whose child was being a brat and not playing by the rules and was therefore told to get off the slide, pissing off the mother…this post is not about that. As many experiences as we have all had with those park mothers who are willing to allow their children to grow up to be disrepectful towards any adult or child that dares to tell them to stop being mean, those experiences will have to wait for another time.

No, this post is about my own mother acting like my 24 year old irresponsible sister rather than being a mature 58 year old woman. And it is pissing me off. To the point that I don’t want to talk to her, and we usually talk twice a week or more. Let me get more to the point: my mother is getting divorce. Again. For the third time. But the most annoying, upsetting part is that she is once again playing the victim when she is clearly not the victim. She decided she wanted a divorce and was basically looking for an excuse to save face with us kids. Her childishness and immaturity makes me not want to talk to her and what is worse is that I feel betrayed by her since she never told me anything about it and sent me to talk to my sister-in-law to get the information. Apparently what I thought was a relationship that had healed to the point of being about to spend a week together and constantly have something to talk about was nothing compared to what she has with my SIL.

The first marriage was more her fault than my father’s, although he should have fought harder in court. He, having spent three years at home with us kids decided he could no longer live on a military base and be a stay-at-homep-father, he wanted to work. So he swallowed the Air Force telling him that they would keep the family together and signed up. My mom get pissed because he hasn’t consulted her first and had to be sent away for three months of training in Germany. While he was gone my mom started seeing the guy she married next and served my dad divorce papers. She then, along with my stepfather, kept my brother and I from seeing our father until we were 18 and she no longer had the power to do so. But I forgive her, have moved past it, I have a great relationship with my father and I even let her comments slide when she tries to make herself out a victim in that divorce. When she says things like “she forgave my father for abandoning me” my blood boils, but I let it go. Not worth a fight.

Second marriage the guy was an ass. Cheated on her for years, was a drunk, was emotionally and verbally abusive to all of us. Like I said, an ass. She tried for years to save the marriage but it eventually failed. As the divorce was going through she met this guy-the current soon-to-be-ex husband. They married too quickly when I don’t think she even loved him, they never lived together because both of them still had kids at home and their relationship suffered. He wasn’t the greatest husband. Was not available emotionally or physically when she needed him, but honestly, from what I saw, my mother wasn’t exactly the model wife. They came with his two kids to visit us in Spain aobut 1 1/2 years ago. My mom acted like she was annoyed with him the entire time and basically ignored him. They managed to get along but they kept everything separate, including pictures. My mom would come to my apartment at 7:30am to hang out with me and leave her husband behind at the hotel. I have never seen her be warm or loving to him. As I said before, I don’t think she really loved him. I think she just wanted someone around to help her out and make her feel like she wasn’t alone.

Anyway, I guess things got pretty bad between them this winter. He fell into depression (although she says she doesn’t “believe in that crap”. But believe you me, she believes in depression for anyone else in the world) and wanted to be left alone. So she left him alone. Well, whatever, but that shows me that she didn’t really care about him otherwise she wouldn’t have left him alone. Things progressed and he started sending her letters and emails to apologize but I found the letters unopened and found out she never answered his emails or phone calls. When she finally met with him she told him he would have to make it all up to her, but when he tried by sending her flowers and mowing her lawn and doing things around the house she told him not to come around anymore. During this time he spend an evening with my SIL and to set up a basketball hoop and ended up saying some stupid things. Things that I am sure my SIL embellished to sound worse because she is the dramatic kind. I never lived with my stepdad but the words she said he said I can’t imagine him every using. He never even swears. Ever. So I know she embellished it. In fact, on one of the things she claims he said I called her on it and she ended up admitting that he hadn’t exactly said that.

My mom has acted so immaturely. She asked him to give back a collectors coin that her aunt had given my stepdad for some work he did around the house but has told us that there is no way she is giving back the jewelry he gave her during the marriage. She told him to go to counseling and call her in October and ended up filing in August anyway. Never told him. The papers just showed up. Seriously, if my husband (or any man) acted like she is and has acted she would be all over it criticising that person. Incredible how her actions don’t have to comply with the same standard she holds for others.

In the end, I always knew they would get a divorce. It never looked like she loved him. But I never thought that she would cover things up and expect me to believe that she is the victim when it is she who filed without trying to reconcile. He said some uncalled for things, yes. Even using words other than those that my SIL used, but they are not grounds for a divorce. It is just an excuse to try and save face with her kids. Apparently it worked with all of them except for me. Of course my brothers and sister never liked him in the beginning which makes it easier for them to swallow.

Just when I thought I had recovered the respect I lost for my mother over the years it drops almost to the ground. And it sucks.

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