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Reconciliation

August 31, 2009

My mother and I spoke yesterday. I called her twice on Saturday but she never answered. On Sunday I had work to do so I was putting off calling her again until it was done, but she beat me to it. Our conversation was basic, just about my borhters and sister and the other grandchildren that she has. Basic. I am betting that we will never talk about her pending divorce or her behavior that has stunned and dissapointed me. My sister-in-law wrote both me and my husband on Friday night telling us the story again (although this time it was just a little more embellished….her syntax more than anything. She doesn’t seem to understand that synonyms don’t always exactly mean the same thing. “Steal” does not exaclty mean “take” and you can’t always interchange them. But she swears that she isn’t lying; that she never lies, blah, blah, blah. I don’t think she is lying, or better said, I don’t think she think she is lying. She is a bit crazy, everyone I know who knows her would attest to that. What is even more crazy is that my mother believes her. How many times has my SIL embellished things my own mother has said? Like her claims that my mother told her she needed to be placed in an institution (when my mother told her she needed to get some help and therapy)?

Maybe my mother needs some therapy. She wrote to her husband that my SIL “has never once said anything unkind” about him, which is a total lie. The whole fiasco at my own wedding brought out some of her worst tongue lashes against my stepfather to my own best friend. It is all just so strange. I remember the aftermath of my wedding well. I can see my mother with tears running down her face as she asks my brother why he believes his wife over the five other witnesses to the event. And I can see my stepfather roaming the strange town looking for my SIL who had stomped off in the middle of the night with her 6 year old daughter in tow, not knowing the town or the language spoken.

But what does it matter? I can go on and on. And I do in my head and with my husband, but it is all to no aveil. Apparently everyone believes my SIL because they want to. I refuse to talk about it any more with her as it has now just become gossip. I told my stepfather I couldn’t talk about it anymore with him either because we were getting to the point of crossing the line into bashing my SIL instead of just talking. We know just talk about things unrelated to the divorce.

It is unfortunate because I think my mother is making a mistake. The same mistake that many women and men make these days because they don’t see marriage as something to fight for. Instead it is something that they are allowed to throw away once they get hurt or someone does something they don’t like and society backs them up. “You don’t need to put up with that” we all say. “You deserve better.”

But the truth is that people are just people and they make mistakes. We all hurt the ones we love the most at some point in our lives. When it happens we can only hope that those loved ones will accept out apology and our actions of love to make up for the hurt. Of course there certainly are times when divorce is necessary. I know that. It was necessary with my mother’s second husband. He was unwilling to change, unwilling to be nice to anyone of us, unwilling to stop seeing other women and unwilling to recognize the hurt that he was causing. And there are other reasons for divorce….but I don’t see this as one of them.

I can’t say for certain that neither my husband nor I will hurt each other in the long course of our marriage. Stastics say one of us will hurt the other pretty badly to the point of giving us a 50% of getting divorced in the future. What I hope is that we are not stupid and bull-headed to keep from trying again. What I hope is that we will look back on the good times, the happy times, the love that we have shared and work together to get that back. I can only hope that my husband (if he hurts me) is ardent enough in his love for me to be willing to stick around for any length of time to show me how truely sorry he is and how he wants to work it out. I can only hope that he stands outside for twenty minutes begging me to come talk to him. And I can only hope that I will not be stubborn enough to refuse.

This is all good for one thing at least: an education for me on how not to be in my marriage. It has honestly brought my husband and I closer together. It has made me look deeper into myself and see what I possibly need to change about my character that is the same as my mother. My husband has been a great encourager and pillar of strength through all of this and I am sure will continue to be so as I try to rebuild my trust and respect in my mother. Again. Whew. Here we go….

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