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Dreams and real life nightmares

September 8, 2009

dream

During pregnancy many of us have strange dreams. Usually they are about losing the baby, or forgetting the baby in the car, or realizing you don’t know how to put a diaper on, etc. A friend of mine who is pregnant with her first is 5 months along and says she already has these dreams brought on by nervousness of being a first-time mom. Another thing that men seem to be able to avoid during the whole pregnancy thing!

I am not a first time mom but I definitely had these strange dreams of incompetence and nervousness, even though in real life I had already had years of training with infants and children. But I have always had very vivid, very strange dreams and with pregnancy they get worse, it seems. When I have nightmares they are so vivid and terrible (and last for days in a row, at times) that I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy. My imagination is very vivid. All I need is one image or one description of something terrible happening for me to see it clearly in my head. (I never say I am Legend, but my sister told me about the movie and I had vivid nightmares as though I had watched it myself…!) For this reason I refuse to watch scary movies and I limit my CSI type shows to ones that aren’t so violent or explicit. The shows that are constantly explicit I don’t even bother with. And even this doesn’t help all the time. When someone has details about a murder or rape or violent crime I don’t want to hear it. When people want to watch porn, I can’t stay in the room. I will literally dream about this stuff for nights on end, but the images will be mixed with strange occurances or violence or something upsetting to the point that I won’t want to sleep.

So I don’t know what triggered this dream: pregnancy hormones, shows I’ve seen in the past, stories of a famous child molestor that was captured here about a year ago (a friend of mine is a psychiatrist and her friend is this guy’s psychiatrist in jail. Not a job for me. Anyway, she told us things that I didn’t to know. I shouldn’t have left the room, but I didn’t want to be rude. Bad decision.) I’m not sure what triggered this dream, but it was terrible.

We were on a family/friend retreat. I don’t know where but there were friends there from all years of our lives. One guy in particular seemed to be “the guy” to be with for the weekend. Everyone loved him. Everyone thought he was the greatest. His face kept changing, but it was always him, you know? Anyway, he wanted to keep my neice for the night in his room, babysit her, basically, and everyone thought it was so nice of him and great of him, but as the day wore on I started to become suspicious of him and warned my husband not to allow his neice to stay the night with this guy. To trust me, I had an intuition about it. I said it was normal that a single guy would want a little baby girl in his room for he night. It just wasn’t normal. He wasn’t family, he barely even knew her.

Somehow I convinced them to agree with me and all was well. We went to the lodge together and I fell asleep (in a dream, weird) and woke up to everyone being gone except for this guy who had my neice in his arms and my daughter on his lap. They were all naked. My daughter was asleep right next to his penis and he was doing things to my neice that I won’t detail here in case someone else has a mind like mine.

I started screaming, grabbed the girls from him and started to punch him (this is from my kickboxing classes, for sure). but as dreams always go my punches were weak and the guy just laughed. My screaming and his laughing woke up the others and my husband and I went home with our daughter. Someone spoke to my daughter and she told them ( I guess I was overhearing this in the dream) that the guy wanted her to eat a candle but that it smelled and she said she didn’t want to. For some reason it comforted me that she didn’t understand that the “candle” was the guy’s penis. Somehow I thought it was a little better this way. And my neice was so little that she wouldn’t remember, I assured myself, even as I knew that wasn’t true. Nothing made this better.

(Now, I woke up three times from this dream and of course it continued where it left off everytime I went back to sleep. Nightmares always do that. Good dreams never do that. It sucks).

So I was going after this guy for what he did. I wanted him in jail and I thought everyone was with me, but it turned out that most people believe him, not me. We went to church and all of our friends started making fun of my “imagination” ad told me to drop the charges, but I refused. I couldn’t I knew what I had seen. And the very last part of the dream someone said, “You were just dreaming. You should hear the dream that he had.” Ihave no idea what that is suppose to mean.

End of dream.

I woke up in a cold sweat, thanking God that it was just a dream, that it hadn’t really happened. I went to get my Queenie from her crib and her big smile gleamed of innocence that I almost started crying. You see, I am a survivor of years of child molestation from my stepfather. As far as I can remember it happened for at least ten years. And I say at least because I just don’t have very good memories from before I have five years old. He married my mom when I was almost three.

My biggest fear in life is a child molestor happening upon my child, my neices or nephews or anyone of my friend’s children. I am leery about other men and women who have a strange interest in children that are not their own. I am not a helicopter mom, but I don’t let my child out of sight in public places. I don’t like other parents near my child if I don’t have full view. I only let family watch my kids, although there are some friends that I would allow to watch them, they just never offer…!

Of course our own experiences in life pass into our parenting. We are more cautious or less cautious because of our own childhood experiences. But we have to be. That is what being a good parents is to us. We have to protect our kids from what hurt us. The trouble with that is: are we so busy protecting them from one thing that we don’t see that they are hurting right now from something else? I don’t know, but I wonder.

PS: this post, and others to come, if the reason I keep myself anonymous, for anyone that was wondering. Most of my family and friends don’t know this about me and here, at this blog, I feel free to talk about all things that have effected me without fearing reaction. Just thought I’d explain it in case anyone was wondering.

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