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November 9, 2009

That’s me at the moment: husbandless. Principe has been working through the weekend from 10-10pm. Again today he won’t be home until 10pm and today is a city-wide holiday. While everyone else is out watching their kids ride bikes and having chocolate con churros as a family, I am sitting at home with Queenie and counting down the days, or months really, until I get my husband back. Being husbandless sucks. It really does. And while I have great respect for single moms, I don’t think it is really comparable. And I do have a lot of respect for them. A lot. But this is really more like being a military wife, since most of them stay-at-home. The difference, see, is that single moms work outside of the home. They have to, and so they get a break from being a mom. Not that working is such a wonderful break, but it is still a break in such as way that when their is a holiday and they get to stay home, it is a woderful, joyous, unusual thing for them to stay home with their kids and see all the new things that they are learning to do, say, be. But when you are a stay at home mom and you see what your kids do everyday and you have to cancel your hair appointment for the second time without knowing when you will be able to schedule it again because your husband can’t promise he will be home anytime before midnight for the fifth time that week, then staying at home all weekend at the house, as though it were a Tuesday, isn’t as joyful.

Before anyone pounces on me, I am not complaining. Not totally. Yesterday when I was about to cry because I didn’t know whether to try and keep Queenie awake to see her daddy or to put her in bed (yes, hormones just may have something to do with this) I told myself to straighten up and to thank the Lord for Principe’s job. After all, it is what provides for us and him choosing to work so hard outside the home allows for me to stay home with Queenie and to work on my writing (which, btw, is a whole other topic. Stupid crisis needs to end now so us writers can find some work!) I am totally thankful for this job. For the money that it provides, for Principe being willing to do it, but on the other hand I really want to go to the gym. Just for 45 minutes. But I can’t. There is no one to watch Queenie.

And I really want to get my hair cut. I should have done that in October when things weren’t so hectic. Now I have to wait until my mother come to visit. Which will be a wonderful 10 days of going to the gym everyday, getting my hair, possibly a mani-pedi and having someone else to watch Queenie in case I am so crabby about my headache that I need to lie down (like yesterday. Thankfully she took a nap and so did I.) Of course those days of bliss will be ending and thus will start 2 1/2 weeks of Principe being in Miami. Yep, he will be in Florida working until the 21st. Hopefully they won’t decide to stay until the 23rd. This is December we are talking about, obviously. Yep, going to see Christmas lights and shopping for Christmas presents, that’s just going to be mommy and Queenie. Possibly another lonely soul whose husband is working too much.

I’m not complaining. At least I”m not angry, really I’m not. And I’m not upset about it. I knew this was coming and again I grateful we have a job that provides for us. I guess I’m just running out of ideas and hope. That’s it. I’m running out of hope. See, today Principe was supposed to come home at 3pm so that we could have lunch together. His boss called him last night and said he was only allowed to work a half day today. So I was encouraged. Queenie was going to get to play with her daddy all afternoon while I tried my hand at some baking or possibly writing or whatever. Maybe we would watch a movie together. Maybe we would take a long walk and he could see how well she follows now (before I brag too much she is still a toddler. Keep in mind she follows better than she was before. Not that I didn’t have to pick her up and carrying her home yesterday!)

But then he called at 2pm and said he was staying. He had convinced his boss to let him stay. And I understand. Really, I do. He and his coworker (male, thanks) are alone in the office, with fewer distractions and are working well. They have gotten a lot done this weekend and want to finish the project instead of feeling rush this week to finish between phone calls and meetings and other deadlines. I understand. So much so that I almost feel jealous for not having that rush of being pushed to a deadline. Maybe that has more to do with it than anything. Maybe I”m a bit jealous. but then, not enough to stop staying at home. Not right now.

I made Chicken and dumplings, even though I was almost certain that he was going to stay. I was almost certain last night when he told me he would be coming home. And yet I allowed myself to dream about today. Today being the only day that I could see in our future as being a day that he would come home early. We’ll see about next weekend being home. We are supposed to go to Valladolid to celebrate Queenie’s and her cousin’s birthday at their abuelos’ house. We’ll see if that happens. One thing is definite: the 21st he will be home. That is the day we are having Queenie’s party. I just can’t count on him being around to help with preparations or to even buy her present. We have settled on us browsing the internet for ideas and then me buying it. What a bummer. I guess more for him than for me. Not about the preparations, though. He isn’t good at doing preparations anyway.

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