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Melting down

November 11, 2009

Yesterday at 9pm I snuggled unde my covers with Queenie in her pjs, turned on Baby Einstein (Wordsworth, of course. The only one she likes these days.) and I finally allowed the tears to come rolling down my cheeks. They had been waiting all afternoon and evening for me to allow them to roll down, and even though my inner self still sees crying as a weakness and can’t stand it when I succomb to said weakness, I couldn’t hold them back any longer.

I seriously felt like I was slowly and quietly breaking down. Just dissintegrating into nothingness; into my own crabbiness and exhaustion. Having worked as a waitress 30 (or more) hours a week while studying full-time I have known exhaustion, but this is like nothing I have ever felt. It isn’t the sleepiness that you feel in the back of you eyes or hear in the deepness of you throat. No, this is exhaustion that slowly breaks you down until you feel like throwing something through the window or screaming for no reason other than to hear something else than a whiny child. And of course it is at these moments that your husband decides to wake up your sleeping child from he nap in order to say good-bye and go back to work even though it is 6:30pm (and he won’t be home until 11pm), as you very molecules seem to be melting you child accidently spills her bowl of cereal ove the high chair but you can’t help yelling out, “NO!“, this is also the moment when your child as finally gotten over her crying fit of not wanting a bath and now wants a bath but the wate is cold so you start the water again only to find out that the gas pressure has dropped, the pilot light has gone out and you can’t remember how to start it all up again. And after fighting with said child to eat something for dinner (and a small bowl of Goldfish is finallly settled on) you resort to putting cereal in her milk bottle, getting her pjs on no matter how much she protests and taking her to bed. But even though she is exhausted herself from only getting half a nap and from what you are pretty sure is the start of an ear infection, she immediately stands up in bed and cries that cry that probably makes the neighbors think you are beating her……..and……..just……can’t…….take…….it…….anymore.

So that is how Queenie and I ended up in bed watching Baby Einstein until half way through the video I decided to turn it off and we both fell into a restless, dreamfilled sleep. Well, she finally stopped moving (although she has started to grind her teeth at night. A terrible habit she got from me.) but I continued in my restlessness as Principe called to say he was almost coming home, then came home and I had to apologize for a phone call I made to him earlier on in a not-very-nice tone telling him about the gas, then as he ate dinner alone and got into bed, but couldn’t sleep right away because he just never can and then as Queenie woke up at 3am, then 3:45am, then stayed in bed with us in her own restless sleep. At 5am I finally placed her back into her bed, but she woke up again at 7:10am crying. I felt as though I had been inbetween reality and dreams for the last few hours as I reminded myself to make another bottle for Queenie with pumpkin puree for vitamins and saw myself make the most beautiful cupcakes for her birthday with all the ingredients that the store that we travelled an hour to in bus yesterday didn’t have.

At least I am able to manage my bouts of frustration and anger rather well outwardly. I have rarely yelled and rarely yelled more than a “no”, clamming up afterwards in order to not say anything I will regret. But it didn’t keep me from feeling the need to apologize to Queenie yesterday and remind her that I love her. Probably because the anger that I feel I may not be expressing too much outwardly, but it is definitely effecting my ability to be a fun mom and playmate for Queenie (minds out of the gutter, please. Playmate had a different meaning before the Playboy bunnies.)

Today I don’t feel like getting out of my pjs and I certainly don’t feel like going to playgroup, but there is a need to go that is hanging in the air like a heavy gas. If we don’t go it will be a day full of television and I hate those days. They are more depressing than any other. So we are going. And I am going now to shower. And hopefully the exhaustion won’t overtake me today. or if it does hopefully I will be able to handle it better than last night’s episode of slamming the gallery door and kicking the non-working dishwasher.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 11, 2009 2:01 pm

    I realize I don’t know you personally, but my heart just goes out to you while reading this post. Pregnancy brings a particular type of exhaustion that I think only other women who have experienced it can understand. I felt like I was tired at the core of my being and that my limbs were filled with fatigue. During my third pregnancy, my husband was working crazy long hours and gone a lot and I remember driving my eldest daughter to school, coming home with daughter #2 and laying on the sofa semi-napping while she watched Sesame Street every morning – at 9 AM. Yes, I needed a nap at 9 AM. But it helped me get through the day. Hope today is better for you (or was, what with the time difference and all).

    • wideopenworld permalink*
      November 12, 2009 5:37 pm

      Thanks. I know that women who have been pregnant usually understand. My MIL apparently had more energy and so doesn’t understand me and she is who I have here. But then she is one of those super women who I can only dream of being! After getting in bed early that day and after realizing that I just need a nap in the afternoon I am doing better, but this kind of exhausting is so new and so strange that I am still trying to figure it out. But, only 20 weeks to go!

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